Today has been a good day. I realized something. I'm not going to try so hard anymore. I need to just let things happen the way they are gong to happe. There are no second chances in life you never know what you're missing out on. I have a beautiful girlfriend and a great family. I will never let myself fall again. I'm in a state of clarity right now and I never want to forget that I am important and to a lot of people. My sisters Joyzie and Sis and by brother mooose love me as well as my dad. I know I get crazy sometimes but hey if you happen to be reading this you only have to put up with it for two maybe three more years. Then I will be moved out and living with Jordy. I never want to accept all of this love because I feel undiserving. but today I realized I am not worthless and I do deserve a better life.
On a different note. things have been a bit wibboly wobbly and timey whimey for the past few days. I keep hitting these low points in my life but I come out stronger each time I get through one f them. I love myself first and my family and jordan are at a tie for second. Jordan is one of the most important people I have ever met. She is amazing and I am in love with her. I never want to go through what we were going through when we met ever again, but here we are reliving it. But not anymore I want to be a simple kind of girl. I don't want to take the easy route and I don't want to lose all my loved ones due to my illness. I am going to live happily ever after and I am not going to die until I get it.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Today Jordy's Best friend R told me that she was in love with me and I sorta knew it was just Jordy messing with me but I honestly didn't see the joke in it. I love Jordy so very much and it is very hard for me to turn other people down. Not in the sense that I love them in the way I love Jordy but in a sense that I hate having to tell people that I don't love them back. I love Jordy beyond a shadow of a doubt but I don't like to let people down and that seems to be the case with all of my friends. As soon as I started dating Jordy all of a sudden everyone fell madly in love with me. I have broken more hearts in the past three months then I have in my entire life. I feel terrible. All I wanted all the way through 2011 and 12 and now all of a sudden when I'm happy everyone I am friends with has fallen for me. Deja and Chloe my first two real friends in a while both fell for me then Megan. Megan was the hardest on me cause at one point I did like her but I was by no means in love with her. Megan hates me now and I can barely look at her without knowing that I broke her and I put her in the same pain that I was in from 2011 to 2013 then I met Jordy.
This year has been such a life changer. I fell in love and I was brought to my knees by the seemingly never ending depression. I am still struggling to my feet but this life is really fighting me. I'm in constant fear of losing my baby Jordy. I also am in constant pain from my past. I really fucked up.
Do you ever stop and think "Damn what happened to me I used to be a happy little kid." The things people are saying to each other just in a general since is the demise of today's youth. We can't keep talking to each other the way that we do. It isn't right and a lot of kids in my generation just don't care and it's scarey. I would blame the parents but no one is listening to there parent. Living in times like this is just shameful. I am truly ashamed of my age just because of the kids my age and the things that they do. I just want to grow up and find a place that I can safely call home. I never want to move my kids. Not ever I want them to go to a good school and I want them to be happy. I cannot stand the idea of my kids growing up in the conditions that I did. I cannot stand the thought of it.
I want two kids at the most so that I can raise them then when they are grown I want to adopt two more kids and then when they are grown and then two more. I want that life for me and Jordy. Gosh I love her!
This year has been such a life changer. I fell in love and I was brought to my knees by the seemingly never ending depression. I am still struggling to my feet but this life is really fighting me. I'm in constant fear of losing my baby Jordy. I also am in constant pain from my past. I really fucked up.
Do you ever stop and think "Damn what happened to me I used to be a happy little kid." The things people are saying to each other just in a general since is the demise of today's youth. We can't keep talking to each other the way that we do. It isn't right and a lot of kids in my generation just don't care and it's scarey. I would blame the parents but no one is listening to there parent. Living in times like this is just shameful. I am truly ashamed of my age just because of the kids my age and the things that they do. I just want to grow up and find a place that I can safely call home. I never want to move my kids. Not ever I want them to go to a good school and I want them to be happy. I cannot stand the idea of my kids growing up in the conditions that I did. I cannot stand the thought of it.
I want two kids at the most so that I can raise them then when they are grown I want to adopt two more kids and then when they are grown and then two more. I want that life for me and Jordy. Gosh I love her!
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Today I had a great time, I got to see the love of my life. Jordan Marie is my salvation. She brings me a little higher every time I see her. She makes me want to donate to charity and help orphans. I love her more than air more than anything really. I want to be in one of those relationships people envy.
Just now my sister and my girlfriend had a verbal altercation. Joyzie and Jordy do not exactly get along and they are going to probably never get along. I can see it now her and Joyzie will never get along. Jordy and her are in the same grade so I guess that makes them similar in their ways of arguing. BULLHEADED!
I love Jordy sooo much I really hope that the two of them figure things out.
My day was excellent. I spent it with Jordy her and her amazing self. I may seem like I am obsessed but I'm really not. She is the center of my world is all and she is really who this blog is about cause she is the center of my day. I really wish that she was here with me.
Other things in my life are just to complicated to even deal with. My mom rarely answers my calls and when she does we only talk about things in passing we never really talk like we used to. My mom still has custody of Lane which still bothers me. Lane is my baby sister and I don't want her growing up with the same influences from my mom that I did. The world is a bad enough place I don't need Lane growing up to experience that so soon. I just hope that she can get out of homer and do something with herself. I know she has it in her.
Sis still hates me as well as BZ her boyfriend. Sis is my older sister she just turned 19 and she thinks she knows everything. I can't stand to be in the same room as her or her boyfriend who is from suburbia. That boy wouldn't know hard times and depression if it slapped him in the face. I honestly do not care for the boy and I do not believe him and Sis will last to much longer. I don't think that they are in love like Jordy and I. I absolutely adore Jordy. BZ doesn't even enjoy my sister the way he should.
My dad is still like a block of ice and has nearly nothing to say to me. He tells me what he thinks I need to hear but here but he doesn't ever tell me the truth. He is just as conniving as everyone in my life except for Jordan. He is a hypocrite. He tells me no one can control certain things yet those are the things he tries to control. I love my dad but damn is he controlling.
Just now my sister and my girlfriend had a verbal altercation. Joyzie and Jordy do not exactly get along and they are going to probably never get along. I can see it now her and Joyzie will never get along. Jordy and her are in the same grade so I guess that makes them similar in their ways of arguing. BULLHEADED!
I love Jordy sooo much I really hope that the two of them figure things out.
My day was excellent. I spent it with Jordy her and her amazing self. I may seem like I am obsessed but I'm really not. She is the center of my world is all and she is really who this blog is about cause she is the center of my day. I really wish that she was here with me.
Other things in my life are just to complicated to even deal with. My mom rarely answers my calls and when she does we only talk about things in passing we never really talk like we used to. My mom still has custody of Lane which still bothers me. Lane is my baby sister and I don't want her growing up with the same influences from my mom that I did. The world is a bad enough place I don't need Lane growing up to experience that so soon. I just hope that she can get out of homer and do something with herself. I know she has it in her.
Sis still hates me as well as BZ her boyfriend. Sis is my older sister she just turned 19 and she thinks she knows everything. I can't stand to be in the same room as her or her boyfriend who is from suburbia. That boy wouldn't know hard times and depression if it slapped him in the face. I honestly do not care for the boy and I do not believe him and Sis will last to much longer. I don't think that they are in love like Jordy and I. I absolutely adore Jordy. BZ doesn't even enjoy my sister the way he should.
My dad is still like a block of ice and has nearly nothing to say to me. He tells me what he thinks I need to hear but here but he doesn't ever tell me the truth. He is just as conniving as everyone in my life except for Jordan. He is a hypocrite. He tells me no one can control certain things yet those are the things he tries to control. I love my dad but damn is he controlling.
Today I decided that I want to live with Jordan for the rest of my life. It has been decided! I will live with Jordan for the rest of my life. I want to live in a small house and kiss her all of the time and I am going to love her with all my heart. I wanna take her with me everywhere I go. I want to always be with her. I never want to leave her and I never want her to leave me. I promised her that I would never leave her and I promised her that I would never ever cut ever again. If she leaves me I will be nothing. I love her so much.
I wish I could go live in a circus. I think that I am perfect for it. It's crazy and sparratic and it's got a scheduled at the same time. I wish I could just run away with them and just live with Jordan of course. I want to be the person who caries all of the bags. I would like that job. It would be easy and I couldn't screw it up. I can't wait to grow up. I want an easy job that makes me enough money to live comfortably.
I wish I could go live in a circus. I think that I am perfect for it. It's crazy and sparratic and it's got a scheduled at the same time. I wish I could just run away with them and just live with Jordan of course. I want to be the person who caries all of the bags. I would like that job. It would be easy and I couldn't screw it up. I can't wait to grow up. I want an easy job that makes me enough money to live comfortably.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Today I feel bad and I don't like it. I try to stay strong for the people around me but I cannot help it. I am just fragile. I cannot take it sometimes. I'm scared I'm going to cut again and I don't want to. It is very strange how one day, like yesterday, I am perfectly happy and the next not so much. I can barely draw in a breath without feeling unworthy of it. I need to toughen up. I cannot keep having bad days. I know everyone has bad days but this is just getting ridiculous. I can't do my school work even and I am constantly falling behind on my medicine I missed my Zoloft for the second day in a row. I don't know how I could be so stupid. I know I need to take it but I am scared of what it's doing to my heart and I can feel my addiction to the Geodon. I know my doctor said I shouldn't feel addicted to it but when I miss a dose I feel like I can hear stuff but I know I can't. It gets all confusing in my head and I feel like everything is back to the way it was. Before the pills and before the help. I can't go there again.
Sometimes I feel like I'm underwater and gasping for air and I try and try to get to the surface but I can't. I'm like a fish out of water at the same time though. I can't breathe what's happening to me? I don't know how to explain it to people but explaining it to no one at all is a little easier. I don't feel pressured to say things a certain way.
I wish it would hurry up and be Sunday so I don't have to worry about anything and I can just be with Jordy. Jordy is my world and I can't not love her. Lately I have been scared of losing her. I have reason to believe that R, Jordy's best friend, is in love with Jordy. This scares me because R is very pretty. My evidence for this is a little spread out, but when you put all of the pieces together it is not so far fetched. When I first met R she kept glaring at me like I did something bad. When I left a hickie on Jordy R got really mad. When Jordy was at R's house R kissed her this I did not witness but Jordy told me herself. If R really does like Jordy I do not know what I will do. I love Jordy but I do not want to be the cause of someone's pain.
I will never leave Jordy that is a promise. I will always be by her side. I will leave the world behind for her. I love her so much. I cannot get her out of my head. I'll type more later tonight.
Sometimes I feel like I'm underwater and gasping for air and I try and try to get to the surface but I can't. I'm like a fish out of water at the same time though. I can't breathe what's happening to me? I don't know how to explain it to people but explaining it to no one at all is a little easier. I don't feel pressured to say things a certain way.
I wish it would hurry up and be Sunday so I don't have to worry about anything and I can just be with Jordy. Jordy is my world and I can't not love her. Lately I have been scared of losing her. I have reason to believe that R, Jordy's best friend, is in love with Jordy. This scares me because R is very pretty. My evidence for this is a little spread out, but when you put all of the pieces together it is not so far fetched. When I first met R she kept glaring at me like I did something bad. When I left a hickie on Jordy R got really mad. When Jordy was at R's house R kissed her this I did not witness but Jordy told me herself. If R really does like Jordy I do not know what I will do. I love Jordy but I do not want to be the cause of someone's pain.
I will never leave Jordy that is a promise. I will always be by her side. I will leave the world behind for her. I love her so much. I cannot get her out of my head. I'll type more later tonight.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Today was a regular day. I thought about a lot of things. People still think I'm crazy and people still judge me for my scars. My sister Joyzie should be the last person to judge but as life would have it she is the first to judge me.
We were riding in my car when the judgement took place. I was taking her to her friends house. This is something I do often and as a favor to me an is making me a playlist she also owes me ten dollars but the playlist is worth more to me than the money. Joyzie is really good with making playlist and she is a computer wiz she has been since we were young. I remember her helping my dad with the computer when we were kids. Joyzie was like three have you know. Anyways her and I were in the car. I was asking her about her friend. From what she was telling me Jami was a fellow blogger which meant she could quite possibly be as depressed as me. Joyzie and I both agree that if you have a tumblr you have most likely been depressed at one point or another. This being the criteria we hold for most girls we meet with tumblrs. We too both have tumblrs and know how hard it can be not to stumble into the darkness that tumblr holds. I asked if maybe I should meet her friends parents. Ann said no and tried to give me reasons why I shouldn't have to meet them. I found them all to be empty so I pressed on for me to be introduced. Finally she said. "You should have worn long sleeves." There was a moment of silence. It gave me enough time to register what was being said to me. When I realized what she meant by it I was hurt but I didn't want to show her that so I went on with the conversation. I didn't get out of the car and I didn't get to close to the house when I pulled up for fear of embarrassing Joyzie I pulled out and didn't give the event a second thought until now.
Earlier in the day I saw moose and lane for a while. Moose isn't coming home until Sunday and Lane still lives with mom so I don't get to see her much. I was happy to see her though. I wish I could spend more time with all three of my beautiful little siblings but I can't so I suppose it's whatever.
On Sunday I get to go see my girlfriend Jordy. I am so excited. I love her a lot and I miss her every minute we are apart. Jordy is special to me because she is the first girl I have ever let in this far she knows more than anyone at this point and it's nearly impossible to keep anything from that one. This girl is more then a girl she is my whole world. I know I'm stealing this line from her favorite song but I would destroy anyone who would try to harm her. I'm scared that one day I will hurt her but in my mind it seems impossible. It's strange how a girl can be so delicate yet as strong as she is. She is a wonder to me a real wonder. I could think about her all day. I feel like I know next to nothing about her and I hope that one day I will feel like I know her through and through. This is the girl I love and I am ashamed to feel that I don't know a whole lot about her. I guess I know what everyone else does but I feel like she has so much more she can tell me and I want her to feel comfortable telling me. I don't want to pry though so I will wait. Jordy and I are going to be together forever I just simply know it. Jordy will never leave me nor I her. Our love is pure and good and it's the first relationship I have built on honesty.
I am getting a lot better at telling the truth. I still tend to stretch the truth from time to time with stupid stuff like my feelings and I stress certain things to my dad and hide others but I am getting better. My dad and I are getting better at communicating and I am proud to say I haven't been lying to Jordan. She knows so much about me and telling her the truth is easy. Every time I tell her the truth and don't through random stuff in which has been every time since the lying came out I have patted myself on the back and said to myself practice makes perfect. One day I am going to be so honest that certain people wont even be able to talk to me. I will be proud when that day comes and I will know that I have finally fixed my bad habit. I cannot wait to get better.
We were riding in my car when the judgement took place. I was taking her to her friends house. This is something I do often and as a favor to me an is making me a playlist she also owes me ten dollars but the playlist is worth more to me than the money. Joyzie is really good with making playlist and she is a computer wiz she has been since we were young. I remember her helping my dad with the computer when we were kids. Joyzie was like three have you know. Anyways her and I were in the car. I was asking her about her friend. From what she was telling me Jami was a fellow blogger which meant she could quite possibly be as depressed as me. Joyzie and I both agree that if you have a tumblr you have most likely been depressed at one point or another. This being the criteria we hold for most girls we meet with tumblrs. We too both have tumblrs and know how hard it can be not to stumble into the darkness that tumblr holds. I asked if maybe I should meet her friends parents. Ann said no and tried to give me reasons why I shouldn't have to meet them. I found them all to be empty so I pressed on for me to be introduced. Finally she said. "You should have worn long sleeves." There was a moment of silence. It gave me enough time to register what was being said to me. When I realized what she meant by it I was hurt but I didn't want to show her that so I went on with the conversation. I didn't get out of the car and I didn't get to close to the house when I pulled up for fear of embarrassing Joyzie I pulled out and didn't give the event a second thought until now.
Earlier in the day I saw moose and lane for a while. Moose isn't coming home until Sunday and Lane still lives with mom so I don't get to see her much. I was happy to see her though. I wish I could spend more time with all three of my beautiful little siblings but I can't so I suppose it's whatever.
On Sunday I get to go see my girlfriend Jordy. I am so excited. I love her a lot and I miss her every minute we are apart. Jordy is special to me because she is the first girl I have ever let in this far she knows more than anyone at this point and it's nearly impossible to keep anything from that one. This girl is more then a girl she is my whole world. I know I'm stealing this line from her favorite song but I would destroy anyone who would try to harm her. I'm scared that one day I will hurt her but in my mind it seems impossible. It's strange how a girl can be so delicate yet as strong as she is. She is a wonder to me a real wonder. I could think about her all day. I feel like I know next to nothing about her and I hope that one day I will feel like I know her through and through. This is the girl I love and I am ashamed to feel that I don't know a whole lot about her. I guess I know what everyone else does but I feel like she has so much more she can tell me and I want her to feel comfortable telling me. I don't want to pry though so I will wait. Jordy and I are going to be together forever I just simply know it. Jordy will never leave me nor I her. Our love is pure and good and it's the first relationship I have built on honesty.
I am getting a lot better at telling the truth. I still tend to stretch the truth from time to time with stupid stuff like my feelings and I stress certain things to my dad and hide others but I am getting better. My dad and I are getting better at communicating and I am proud to say I haven't been lying to Jordan. She knows so much about me and telling her the truth is easy. Every time I tell her the truth and don't through random stuff in which has been every time since the lying came out I have patted myself on the back and said to myself practice makes perfect. One day I am going to be so honest that certain people wont even be able to talk to me. I will be proud when that day comes and I will know that I have finally fixed my bad habit. I cannot wait to get better.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
ME
I am Jesse and I'm proud of it. I have been in pain for a long time and I hated life. I managed to get myself institutionalized twice in the last six months. Once in November of 2012 and then again in 2013. I am doing a lot better now though and my girlfriend is really helping me through a lot of everything.
There isn't really anything I would change about my life. I have an amazing family and good friends I just sometimes get sad and act out. I finally got on some good medication though and I am happy to report that I am a lot better off this way. I plan on living for a long time so long as I have my girlfriend by my side.
My girlfriend is Jordan Marie and I love her with all I have. She came to me at the darkest point in my life. She scooped me up and saved me. Some people think that meeting someone in a hospital is unhealthy but I finally found someone who has gone through some shit just like me. I love Jordan more than words can say. This is my life right now and I'm happy with it.
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