Today I feel bad and I don't like it. I try to stay strong for the people around me but I cannot help it. I am just fragile. I cannot take it sometimes. I'm scared I'm going to cut again and I don't want to. It is very strange how one day, like yesterday, I am perfectly happy and the next not so much. I can barely draw in a breath without feeling unworthy of it. I need to toughen up. I cannot keep having bad days. I know everyone has bad days but this is just getting ridiculous. I can't do my school work even and I am constantly falling behind on my medicine I missed my Zoloft for the second day in a row. I don't know how I could be so stupid. I know I need to take it but I am scared of what it's doing to my heart and I can feel my addiction to the Geodon. I know my doctor said I shouldn't feel addicted to it but when I miss a dose I feel like I can hear stuff but I know I can't. It gets all confusing in my head and I feel like everything is back to the way it was. Before the pills and before the help. I can't go there again.

      Sometimes I feel like I'm underwater and gasping for air and I try and try to get to the surface but I can't. I'm like a fish out of water at the same time though. I can't breathe what's happening to me? I don't know how to explain it to people but explaining it to no one at all is a little easier. I don't feel pressured to say things a certain way.

       I wish it would hurry up and be Sunday so I don't have to worry about anything and I can just be with Jordy. Jordy is my world and I can't not love her. Lately I have been scared of losing her. I have reason to believe that R, Jordy's best friend, is in love with Jordy. This scares me because R is very pretty. My evidence for this is a little spread out, but when you put all of the pieces together it is not so far fetched. When I first met R she kept glaring at me like I did something bad. When I left a hickie on Jordy R got really mad. When Jordy was at R's house R kissed her this I did not witness but Jordy told me herself. If R really does like Jordy I do not know what I will do. I love Jordy but I do not want to be the cause of someone's pain.

       I will never leave Jordy that is a promise. I will always be by her side. I will leave the world behind for her. I love her so much. I cannot get her out of my head. I'll type more later tonight.